I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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