I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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