I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
