Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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