How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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