OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
