My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Holy shit dude........stairs
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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