dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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