do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
