you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
