no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
