I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Is Oprah even human
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
