I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
