is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
