i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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