you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
