im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
