I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize