his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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