I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
