I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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