You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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