I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
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