no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
