WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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