Don't you send me to vm
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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