I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
