as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
