Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
