I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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