That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He did a backflip because drugs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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