I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
