Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
