took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
