Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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