help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
