so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
