we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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