No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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