sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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