so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
