Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
