I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
