My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He shit in the fireplace
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
