Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Randomize
