Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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