Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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