All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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