uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
