I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
