Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
