i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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