yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
