I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
