I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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