i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
