Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
