Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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